Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Journey to Gracie Joy Part II

*Please understand that I am posting this straight from my journals as I wrote them. Of course, I've changed a couple of things but this is not written with hindsight. The questions and concerns I state here were what I was feeling on that specific day. I love to look back and see how everything comes together!

I thought you'd enjoy a new picture of Miss Gracie!!

12/9 – We find out that Gwynne is in good health and has no day to day problems to deal with. We also feel confident in the fact that God already knows who our daughter is and His ways are higher! If it’s not Gwynne, we’re ok with that.

12/16 – Homestudy is sent for review

12/29 – Homestudy is returned with some changes needed.

12/30- Homestudy is sent back to agency

1/7 – I800A is sent to USCIS. Praying for quick fingerprint appt. and approval!

1/17- We had heard that the January shared list would be released on the 18th (night of 17th in USA). My agency called the CCAA to see if Gwynne’s file would be released with this list. Obviously, we were hoping it would not. At this point, I think the earliest I will be DTC would be in March. We found out that her file would be released that night. I am so sad. It would be a miracle if her file did not get snatched up by someone very quickly. In order for me to have a chance to lock her file, she would have to stay on the shared list for 30 days. I don’t think there’s any chance of that happening. I know that God knows who our daughter will be. I know His ways are higher. I want the child he has for me. I know that I will look back and know why all of this happened as it did. I want Him to close the wrong doors and direct my paths…tonight, though…it sucks!

1/21 – Got a confirmation letter stating that our receipt date for the I800A was January 11.

1/27 - I got a call from my agency today. She tells me that Gwynne is back on the shared list! She doesn’t know how because she had confirmed that someone had submitted a LOI on her. She sent her file to me, and it says her medical condition is much worse than I had thought. Her file says that she does not have control of her bowels. This is conflicting to the report we received previously, so we are going to ask the CCAA for more information. We cannot lock her file until it has been on the shared list for 30 days. That will be 2/18. This means that someone else could come and lock her file before I could. What this also means, though, is that I have some time to pray, investigate, and get as much info as possible. I am very torn. I grieved for this child, but now feel very little connection to her. I don’t know if it’s fear or trying to protect my heart.

1/28 – Received our fingerprint appointments in the mail. They gave us two separate days! Seriously? I will go with Richard on his day, since it’s sooner and hopefully they will take me then.

1/29 – Richard and I have a conversation about everything and I think he really wants her. He really leaves that part of it up to me because he says once he sees a face, he can’t say “no”. I am just concerned about the physical problems her file says she has. He made me question my hesitancy on her. I am willing to do whatever it is that God wants me to do…even if that means the worst. If it was just me, I might be more inclined to not worry about it. Since we have Wesleigh, it confuses things. Is it really fair to bring home a child that will require so much attention? I don’t know…I wish I had the answers. I hope that if she’s not supposed to be mine, someone else will lock her file. My biggest fear is that I say “no” and nobody else takes her.

2/1- Find out Gwynne’s file has been locked again. I am ok with that. My prayer was that, if she wasn’t mine, she would be locked before I was able to. I feel that this is an answer to prayer and it allows me to move on.

2/7- I get this email from our agency:
"So..... She's back!!!!
I checked a couple times Friday and she wasn't there, but she is this morning! :-)"

Seriously?!?!? Would someone please tell me what is going on with this file?!?!? Honestly, this news is more frustrating to me than joyful. First of all, there is still 11 days before I can lock her file…plenty of time for her to be taken again. Second, I’m kind of detached from her. I can’t really figure out if I’m just trying to protect myself from getting hurt, or if I don’t feel like she’s mine. I am still praying that her family will find her before the 18th if she’s not supposed to be mine. I’m still waiting on the additional information from the CCAA…just in case. I would also like to know what has changed these families’ minds both times.

OK...I'll need one more post to finish. I'm not trying to drag it out...just trying to not make crazy long posts!


Marcy said...

Jenn, you're killing me! LOL! It's like reading a good book and having to stop right at the good part! I am so HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY for y'all. I can't wait until you post the rest.

Your last paragraph begins with "Seriously?!?!?" and that is exactly what I said when I found out I had to wait! LOL!!

snekcip said...

Oh what a intimate and raw account of your emotions! I feel so privileged to be allowed to journey along to yet another beautiful daughter of yours!

Paige said...

I so get these emotions!!! You are helping me to reel my emotions in and leave it up to God!!! Thank you for this post! As Christians we know that God KNOWS what is best for us and we have to accept it but it sure is rough to go through, so glad you are on the other side:) I'm so happy for your family, she and you all will be so very blessed!!

3 Peanuts said...

Such a beautiful and real account of your faith and your reliance on God's will.


Canada to China and back! said...

Wow! What a roller coaster! I can't wait to hear the rest....even though I know how it turns out!LOL! So excited to follow you journey.


Sharon Ankerich said...

OMgoodness... what a story of gripping trust!!! LOVED reading every word and SO thankful I already know the ending or I would be going crazy!!! What's so amazing... we were going through kind of the same thing... we weren't allowed to lock Will's file either and families kept reviewing~ I kept praying that God would give me peace to believe if he was our son, he would still be there when the time came... he was and he is!!! Thankful we both know our precious children!!! Blessings and love!!! :)

Sharon said...

A long post would have been fantastic! Thanks for sharing your beautiful story with us and a big congratulations to you all for sweet Gracie!

Deanna said...

Love, love, love getting to hear her story. I love you guys so much and am so proud of your faithfulness. He provides a way every time :) Can't wait to hear about the rest of the process.

Amy said...

What a beautiful faithful story. Thank you for sharing.

Congratulations on your sweet girl.


Myra said...

WOW! What a ride...so sorry you didn't have more support during all that mess! Here I was off on Gotcha day during your roller coaster :) SOOO glad I know the ending like everyone else said...BUT you DID have the best supporter of all and you knew it!!! (GOD!!)

Football and Fried Rice said...

I have been praying since February for this "story"!! I had anxiousnessness FOR you, which is great, because YOU truly had peace and had left it up to God! I am so glad that He chose to delight your family in matching you with Gracie!

Linda said...

I'm glad you are writing this the way it happened and not by hind-sight. Faith isn't faith if we see the end - the "evidence of things not seen." We have to have faith as a grain of mustard seed - it can be very small-- if we're still looking to the Lord for the answer, then it is faith and it's ENOUGH faith! God was faithful in this to make his will clear!

Robin said...

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful journal of all the emotions of your journey! As we begin to pray and seek God's guidance on adopting again ... I appreciate this!!


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