Wednesday, March 12, 2008

This Will Make You Laugh!

An actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd pr obably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.

As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers' monthly visits.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles in to a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri
pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f****** kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during
a menstrual period? Does anything mentioned above sound the least bit pl
easurable? Well, does it?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak
girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up o n Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If
you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the
Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department
that, effective immediately there will be an $8 drop in month ly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And although I
will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending BS.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX


Steffie B. said...

That was GREAT!!!!! As far as "me being on a roll"....I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings! lol

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy(Kim & John) said...

That is tooo funny...
Have a Great Evening..

Lori & Dart said...

That was great! I laughed so hard I was crying reading it to my husband...he just smiled and nodded a lot

Sheri said...

This is a riot!! Thanks for sharing it.

sara said...

Love it!!!!!! I can totally relate:)

cougchick said...

I love that. So true...

I have, in fact, put my Husband's balls on a George Foreman grill during Aunt Flo's visit.

Christy said...

Holy Cow-- that was totally funny!!! I wasnt sure where she was going at the beginning but as she went on I was just cracking up. What a writing talent!!!!

Christy :)

FHL said...

Oh my goodness- I would love to have seen a photo of that man's face if he ever did get to read it! Could you imagine!!

OH MY #6 said...

That was fantastic!


Little Rylan Cooper said...

You can tell that she was about to start!! I guess we have all been there.

LaLa said...

Love it.....thanks for sharing!

Kimber said...


Powered by Blogger.